Can We Talk About This?

Why is it that believers can sometimes be so harsh with one another? Have you noticed that when a believer makes a mistake, it often feels like a little gang of “perfect” people comes after them with vengeance? This self-righteous response reveals a heart issue. Instead of being quick to extend grace, we become fixated on the faults of others while ignoring our own. Yet Scripture reminds us: “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other” (Romans 12:9-10).

Many unchurched people I’ve spoken with have shared stories of being hurt or disappointed—often by fellow Christians. That pain is real, and I don’t dismiss it. At the same time, we know our ultimate hope isn’t in people but in Christ alone.

You’ve probably seen the phrase, “If you left the church because of people, you were never there for Jesus.” While there’s some truth in that, it doesn’t tell the whole story. The church is called to be the Body of Christ—a place of safety and healing for the broken. It’s where people bring their burdens, and as the Body, it’s our privilege to disciple, teach, love, and speak truth in love.

But let’s be honest: we’re all imperfect. We all have blind spots and weaknesses. That’s why Romans 12:9-10 calls us to a higher standard: “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.”

In biblical counseling, we understand that the root of bad behavior isn’t external circumstances but the heart. Jesus said in Luke 6:45, “A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart”. At its core, harshness, self-centeredness, and self-righteousness stem from a heart that looks inward rather than upward. It becomes all about me, me, me, instead of Christ.

As Heath Lambert writes in Biblical Counseling After Adams, “The heart is the source of all sinful behavior. Our counselees will never be free from sinful actions unless they first address the sinful attitudes of their hearts.” Addressing the heart means going beyond surface-level fixes. It means asking, “What desires, fears, or idols are ruling my heart right now?” Only then can we align our hearts with God’s truth and find freedom.

Paul Tripp reminds us that, “Self-righteousness denies the reality of your own sin while being hyper-focused on the sins of others. It forgets the forgiveness you’ve received and withholds that same forgiveness from others.” Instead of tearing others down, we’re called to gently restore them: “Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path” (Galatians 6:1).

What if we could relax around each other like true siblings? Think about it—our earthly brothers and sisters know our strengths and weaknesses, yet they love us deeply and want the best for us. They help us, encourage us, and rejoice in our successes. Why can’t the church body reflect that same kind of love?

Ed Welch reminds us, “There is something about being with other people who have known suffering. They don't try to fix you. They just share the pain.” That’s what the church should be—a place where we walk alongside one another in love.

And then you ask, “How can we do this?” Well, it starts with leadership that has a strong spine—leaders who intentionally love people and are committed to truth, no matter the cost. Telling the truth in love isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes courage, discernment, and a deep dependence on God.

Too often, we see church leaders compromise for a variety of reasons—sometimes financial. For example, having one of your biggest donors on the personnel committee can create a clear conflict of interest, making it harder to address issues with integrity. This is where leadership must rise above and prioritize faithfulness to God over any worldly gain or fear of losing support.

Creating a culture of intentionality is essential. Being intentional means more than just going through the motions; it’s about being purposeful in how we live, lead, and love. Romans 12:9 reminds us to “Really love others.” This means each person in the church body should feel valued, cared for, and discipled.

Intentional love doesn’t look the same for everyone—it meets people where they are. It celebrates the victories, supports during struggles, and lovingly confronts when needed, always pointing back to Christ. Leadership sets the tone for this culture, modeling what it looks like to shepherd the flock with compassion and conviction.

Jay Adams, the father of biblical counseling, emphasizes that the sufficiency of Scripture provides everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). He writes in Competent to Counsel, “When we minister God’s Word to one another, we are dealing with the only resource that can truly change the heart.”

When leaders commit to truth, love, and intentional care, it transforms the church into the haven it was always meant to be—a place where people can truly relax and grow as brothers and sisters in Christ. So let’s ask ourselves: Are we cultivating this kind of leadership and culture in our churches? What steps can we take to reflect Christ in everything we do?

Let’s pray for wisdom, courage, and hearts that love like Jesus—so that the church can truly be His hands and feet in this broken world.